Lilly doesn’t answer for a moment, a strange sort of rage burning behind her closed eyelids.
Locret does not know this whole story and Lilly isn’t sure she wants her to know.
The brunette waits until the other woman is quiet before she answers her; aware that the anger is not something she wants to unleash on Loc.
“My feelings are weapons to be used in the capable hands of someone who wants to hurt me in ways that you cannot begin to imagine. Do you know what it’s like for your own feelings to be used as weapons? Simply because you choose to feel as a human does? I put my own health, well being and my life at risk because I choose to feel.”
Lifting herself from the bed, her eyes narrow. “I’m afraid because admitting a need means something that can be seen as a weakness and a weakness can be exploited. A weakness for a friend, someone who I rely on means someone who can be hurt. Someone who can be killed, or worse.”
She hunches her shoulders forward, curling inwards. “Do you know what that’s like? The pain? The fear? Knowing that the one thing bigger than you has a mean streak so deep no one has seen the bottom of it? Do you know what it’s like to know that your love that you give to another person could be their death simply because you love them? To know that to love is a liability no matter how much it hurts to be alone?”
Lilly doesn’t realize her fists are clenched until she can feel her nails against her skin. “I could shed the human condition right here, right now, and there would be not an ounce of humanity in me. And you know what? It would be easier to do that, it’s actually recommended.”
“But I won’t, because I believe it’s more important to know both sides of the story and to be good at your job you have to know what you’re doing. And because it’s important to me.”
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry you see right through me; I think you’re supposed to see right through me. I’m not trying to be hard to read, I’m transparent because there’s no other way to show the pain.”
Hitting her fists against her knees, she allows the angry feeling to swell before swallowing the lump in her throat.
She has to give Locret something and pray that no one comes looking for her later.
No, Locret doesn’t know. And in order to alieviate Lilly’s pain like she wants to do Locret needs to know the symptoms of the thing plaguing Lilly so.
And Locret in return quietly listens to Lilly. It seems that they are more similar than Locret originally thought. Then again, her species had always been the ones of balance in the world and in magic. They had a responsibility to keep magic, not use it to destroy or manipulate those without it. They needed balance to survive.
And Locret didn’t realize how much she needed Lilly in her life as a friend. An anchor possibly and someone to fill the space of a missing family. She couldn’t lose her too.
Locret looked at her feet in some form of shame. Mostly due to not being able to realize her problems weren’t so unique.
After a long silence she spoke in a hoarse voice,”Yes. I do know what it’s like and I think I can imagine—while not the same way as your situation but I know how it feels and what it is like to feel like a human.” Slow breath,”It’s difficult to keep caring about the humans on this planet while your own genome tells you to just give up that they won’t learn and they aren’t worth it… But we feel as a human does because we have to. We need it to survive in this world.”
Her eyes meet Lilly’s again. And for once they’re just as transparent. It’s a raging storm inside. A horrible, swelling and violent storm.
“You’re not alone in feeling afraid. But you don’t have to let your feelings be a weapon for someone else to use. True they can be exploited but—” Hold on she has to think of the right words,”—but if you don’t allow them to be hurt and stand in front of them… I guess if they’re worth the pain then it won’t be so bad.” She shakes her head,”Who am I kidding of course it will be shit. But the pain is diverted with the feeling of security and knowing the ones you love are safe?” Sounds too cliche and too easy. The people loved could still be hurt no matter how much you hide them.
“I do,” she murmurs,”I know there are things out there that can hurt something like me no matter how much I try to deny it,” Locret nodded slowly,”It did kill him. I loved someone so much I couldn’t tell him what I was to keep him safe yet he confided his trust in me by telling me what he was.” Wow this was new for Locret. Since they’re showing how much they hurt might as well relieve the pressure. “I don’t know how to tell you to assure you everything is okay because it’s not. I want to help you and keep you safe but I don’t know if that’s possible. But whatever is meaner than you has to know what you are and that you can put it in its place whenever it gets too… mean.”
Locret slowly approaches and sits beside Lilly. She does what Lilly probably doesn’t want her to do and rubs her back slowly. “I know you’re sorry. And I’m sorry too for trying to seem bigger than I am. But I still want to help you get rid of the pain in whatever way I can…”
Giving her something is better than nothing.
“Who is gone?”